


Camp Asshole

by AstriferousSprite



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Beer, Beer and Sabacc, Camping, Gen, M/M, Sabacc, Team Bonding, barely edible food
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 05:31:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10655910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstriferousSprite/pseuds/AstriferousSprite
Summary: Mon Mothma decides the team needs a break. They respectfully disagree.





	Camp Asshole

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Bodhi Rook week, with the theme _Rogue One crew bonding._

“We’re _what?_ ”

Bodhi frowned as Mon Mothma kept talking. “You’re overworking yourself, Commander Rook. All of you,” she added, surveying the scowling Rogue One team. “We appreciate your hard work for the Rebellion—”

“It’s the only thing we can do,” grumbled Cassian.

“—but there comes a point where it seems you’re putting this war far above your life.”

“This _is_ our life,” said Jyn sourly as Bodhi said, “Back in the Empire—”

Mothma seemed undisturbed. “We’re a resistance movement, not a labor camp,” she said. “There comes a point when even Rebellion heroes need a vacation.”

Baze sighed. Chirrut grumbled something that sounded like “Back on _Jedha_ …”

“Therefore,” she continued, folding her hands, “we've decided to ground the five of you, and K-2SO, on Takodana temporarily.” Bodhi groaned. “It will only be for a few days, don't worry, and then you can be right back continuing missions.”

“I can’t believe this,” he said.

“Your transport leaves tomorrow at seven sharp,” she said. Bodhi felt his gut twist at the notion that anyone other than Cassian or himself would be flying them. “Pack lightly, but warmly.” She nodded. “You are dismissed. May the Force be with you.”

 

“ _Grounding,_ ” grumbled Cassian that evening as they packed.

Bodhi nodded, carelessly tossing another bundle of shirts into his pack. “Tell me about it.” He huffed as he continued to scour the floor. “It’s not like we’ve fought for them diligently—”

“ _Twenty-two years!”_

“And only _now_ are we overworking themselves?”

“It’s ridiculous!” Irritably, Cassian threw what might have been a toothbrush into his bag.

“My sister and her squadron are going on a mission to Tahlif Prime tomorrow,” said Bodhi bitterly, “and all we’re getting is a vacation on kriffing _Takodana_.”

“I’ve never actually been there,” said Cassian. “What’s Takodana like?”

“It’s nice, I suppose.” Bodhi began squishing down his belongings in an effort to close the pack properly. “Mostly forests and lakes, though there’s a pretty nice cantina—”

Cassian grunted, clearly interested.

“—but I doubt we’ll be near her,” he continued. “From what I know, the thickest forests are on the Western Hemisphere, and Maz’s got her castle on the East.” He sighed as he worked on closing his pack. “So we’re probably gonna be camping for a week in the woods, and it’s gonna be wet—” _zip_ “—and cold—” _zip_ “—and full of mosquitos.” He grunted as he finally zipped the pack shut. “ _Yes!_ ”

“Looking forward to it,” said Cassian drily.

“Oh, don’t worry about it too much.” Leaning his pack against the wall, Bodhi walked over to where his boyfriend was scowling. “Let’s try to get some sleep,” he whispered, kissing his forehead. “It’s gonna be a long day tomorrow.”

 

Everyone was groggy as they got up the next morning, lazily getting dressed and hastily shoveling down their breakfast in preparation.

Well, almost everyone.

“Good morning,” said Chirrut brightly, a bit too loudly for Bodhi’s taste, as he sat down and began to pick at his food. Next to him, Jyn was practically inhaling her porridge. “Isn’t it a lovely day?”

Bodhi snorted into his caf. “If you think the cold, dark void of space is lovely, sure.”

“Of course I don’t, I’m _blind_.” Chirrut smiled. “But the Force feels sure of itself today.”

“Great,” said Bodhi, taking another sip of caf. “The Force. Wonderful.” In all honesty, he thought the old Guardian was full of shit, but he wouldn’t dare say that.

“I’ll leave you to your thoughts,” said Chirrut, after Bodhi failed to respond for a few more moments. “I suppose not everyone is conversational at this hour.” And with that, he turned to Baze, who, if not less groggy, was maybe more patient.

Next to Bodhi, Cassian sighed. “What Force is there around a mandated vacation?”

Aside from Chirrut, no one else really felt like making small talk, so breakfast remained a largely silent affair. After a hasty stop at the fresher and a double-check of their belongings (“ _Yes,_ Bodhi, you packed your rainproof pants,”), the squadron all reconvened at the hangar at 0700 sharp.

And Bodhi, for once, was _not_ the pilot.

“Are you _kidding_ me,” he complained almost the entire ride. “If you don’t want me to run missions, fine. At least let me _fly_ the damn transport.”

“Unbelievable,” said Cassian (who was also not the pilot). “It’s like they don’t trust us.”

“They probably don’t,” said Jyn from where she was sulking near the back. “I mean, _I_ wouldn’t.”

“I know for a fact that seven high-ranking Alliance officials do not trust us,” added Kaytoo ( _also_ not the pilot). “Imperial defectors and former criminals aren’t known for being reliable.”

“ _Current_ criminal,” said Bodhi, to which Jyn flipped him off. “Hey, it’s true!”

“You slimy piece of bantha—”

“ _Children,_ ” shouted Baze with just enough frustration to make them all shut up.

After a bland lunch on board the ship, (“Ration bars, my _favorite_ ”), the U-wing finally landed on Takodana, in a suspiciously open clearing. Only to find out that, of course, their forested campsite was located about five klicks farther, which meant a grueling hike to find it (“Kriffing mosquitos” “Don’t you dare complain, Bodhi, _you’re_ not the one carrying the kitchen”).

Eventually, they reached their clearing, which still had enough overhang from nearby tree branches to give them some cover. Also, they had to set up the tent.

“Funny, I thought the Alliance would have one set up for us,” said Jyn, crossing her arms. “I mean, if they didn’t want us to work.”

“When has high command ever been consistent?” said Bodhi, pulling the large tent out of its sack. “Now come on, help me pitch this tent.” Had Bodhi been in a less shitty mood, he might have punctuated that remark with some sort of sultry look directed at Cassian, but considering he was near-starving and exhausted and his boots were filled with pebbles, he really wasn’t in the mood for flirtation at the moment.

Also, he apparently had to pitch the tent by himself.

“You’re telling me—” Frankly, he was in a bit of shock. “—you’re telling me _none_ of you have ever set up a tent? None of you??”

None of them.

Jyn muttered something about “toughing it out on the dirt,” Chirrut explained how as Guardians “you’re supposed to let the Force surround you,” (punctuated by Baze’s remark that it was cold as hell), and Cassian remarked that he just used tarps and hoped for the best.

“I can’t believe any of you,” he grumbled, getting to work on laying the tent down. “I want you all to know that I hate every last one of you at this very moment.”

Somehow, Bodhi managed to put it together, even without any help. In the meantime, Cassian had found an old log to serve as the makeshift kitchen, and set up the portable stove on top of it. While Bodhi was unrolling his sleeping roll, Cassian had begun to heat up their dinner. Their delicious, non-perishable dinner.

White bean soup from a can.

_Delicious._

“Must be my lucky day,” said Bodhi drily as he ate another flavorless spoonful.

Jyn agreed. “If I wanted wallpaper paste, I’d go back to Yavin,” she complained with her mouth full (old habits die hard).

“Some vacation this is,” muttered Cassian, setting his bowl aside. Even Chirrut and Baze weren’t as diligent with finishing their food as they usually were.

With the first evening over, they all decided to retire to bed early (“What the hell is left for us to do, anyway?”). The large tent had four quarters separated by canvas dividers—perfect for five people and an irritable droid. Chirrut and Baze immediately claimed one of the quarters closest to the entrance; Bodhi, having thought ahead, already laid his things out on the section across from theirs, and motioned for Cassian to join him; Jyn (frustrated at having been beat) sulked off to the quarter next to Bodhi’s; and Kaytoo was left in the last quarter to keep watch over their belongings (“I do calculations, not security” “Actually, Kay, that _was_ your previous purpose, so tough it out, mate”). And with that, day one of Operation Dumb and Unnecessary (as Kaytoo had christened it) was over.

Although, as they were soon to find out, the fun was only just beginning.

 

“ _K-2SO!_ ”

Bodhi woke with a start, untangling his hand from Cassian as Jyn continued to scream. “S’matter?” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

Jyn came stomping into their quarter, still in her sleeping bag. “Your droid,” she said through clenched teeth, “is _insufferable_.”

“All I was suggesting is that maybe she would prefer to keep her blaster at her side, rather than in her pack,” said Kaytoo, walking in right behind the cocooned Jyn.

“Well, you just _had_ to barge in while I was changing,” she continued, eyes wild with anger. “With all your _percentages,_ I’d expect for you to know some basic decency.”

“How was I supposed to figure out you didn’t have a shirt on?”

“Good morning to you too,” muttered Bodhi as the two continued to argue.

After the morning fiascos, everyone decided to have breakfast. And lo and behold, guess what was packed for them?

“Oatmeal.” Cassian faked a smile as he stirred the pot. “Plain, flavorless oatmeal.”

Bodhi tried not to let the despair he was feeling show on his face. “Joy.”

Cassian handed him a bowl. “ _Provecho_.”

Jyn (by now dressed) looked around. “Where are our dads?”

“Probably meditating,” said Bodhi, glumly poking at his oatmeal.

“I’ll get them,” said Kaytoo (the only one who didn’t have to worry about watery oatmeal).

Unsurprisingly, Chirrut and Baze (as soon as they were rudely interrupted by Kay) were the only ones not complaining about the subpar breakfast. “You eat what you get,” said Chirrut, wrapping his hands around the warm oatmeal bowl. “At least be grateful there’s food.”

“Bland, watery food,” grumbled Cassian, while Jyn complained that she’d had “worms that tasted better.”

“Hasn’t the Rebellion ever heard of sugar?” said Bodhi. “Or cinnamon? Or cardamom? Or _flavor_ of any kind?”

After breakfast came the inevitable task of doing the dishes. Bodhi and Baze volunteered to do them, walking down to the nearby lake and scrubbing them down with pebbles (soap could have attracted nearby wildlife, which wasn’t exactly in their best interest). After the dishes came … well, nothing. There wasn’t really much for them to do.

After an hour of lying around, Cassian stood up. “I have a deck of Sabacc cards in my pack, if anyone’s interested?”

Everyone agreed. Soon, everyone was sitting around their makeshift table, cards in hand.

“So, what are we betting on?” asked Jyn as soon as everyone got started.

“Dish duty,” said Bodhi, peering at his cards. _Just one point short of Pure Sabacc, damn it._

“That sounds more like something you’d lose,” said Cassian, setting down a card face down as he drew from the deck. “What would the winner get?”

“To choose who’s on dish duty for today.” Laying down his worthless Scoundrel card (minus one point didn’t matter when he had negative twenty-two), he picked up the card Cassian had set down. It was The Jedi. Negative four points. _Shit._ “Sounds fair?”

“Sounds good.”

The game continued. Bodhi wasn’t having much luck, but he had a strong enough game face to conceal it. Jyn seemed to be extremely focused, rapid-fire laying down and drawing cards with determination. Chirrut (Cassian was kind enough to bring embossed cards) seemed to be more hesitant, only occasionally setting cards down after lots of contemplation. And Kay … well, for an expressionless droid, Kay had a _terrible_ poker face, constantly murmuring “oh dear” and “low chance of success now.”

However, it was Kay who eventually threw down his cards and declared a Pure Sabacc. “I win. Cassian, you’re doing dishes tonight.”

“Hold on.” Bodhi raised his hand as he observed the cards Kay had laid down—the Mistress of Flasks and a Ten of coins. It _was_ twenty-three points, but… “You need three cards to win, Kay. If you had an Idiot, you’d be good, but that’s not the case.”

“What a shame,” said Kaytoo, as Bodhi dealt him another three cards.

The game continued for a few more minutes. However, the odds seemed to swing in Bodhi’s favor, and eventually…

“Sabacc,” he said, laying down three cards. Cassian looked them over, nodding as he counted negative twenty-three points.

“Damn it,” said Jyn. “I was so close.”

Bodhi smirked. “Ever tell you I was Bamayar’s most feared gambler?”

A thump on the table revealed that someone else had played his hand. Bodhi looked up to see Chirrut smiling serenely. “Sorry, Bodhi. Looks like I have an Idiot’s Array.”

“Son of a _bantha,_ ” he swore.

“It’s alright, son,” he said, still smiling. “I nominate Baze for dish duty.”

“How did I know that?” grumbled his husband. Chirrut just laughed.

Baze managed to get off easy for lunch, however (“ _More_ ration bars? I must be the luckiest pilot ever!”). The rest of the afternoon was passed in calm, since everyone seemed to be all Sabacc-ed out.

Bodhi had managed to find a nice pile of driftwood near the lake which was perfect for sitting on. Gathering his battered sketchpad, he sat down and began to draw.

Cassian showed up out of nowhere. “Jyn’s being annoying,” he said. “Can I sit here?” Bodhi nodded, shifting to make room for him on the log.

He looked over at the scene Bodhi was working on of the lake and surrounding trees. “Did you draw that?”

“No, it vaporized out of thin air,” said Bodhi drily.

“Sorry,” said Cassian, looking down, “it’s just—it’s really good.”

 _Oh._ “Thanks.”

“Really,” he said, looking at Bodhi with those soft eyes. “It’s lovely.”

Bodhi took his hand, smiling fondly. “I’m glad you think so.”

Cassian smiled back. “Is it alright if I just sit here?” he asked.

“It’s alright.” Bodhi returned to the sketchpad, absentmindedly tracing patterns on Cassian’s palm.

However, the peace couldn’t last forever, as it _was_ eventually time to eat.

“What’s for dinner?” asked Jyn, sitting unhelpfully at the table.

“Take a guess,” said Bodhi, stirring the pot.

She wrinkled her nose. “Is it soup?”

“Soup,” he said, “with _black_ beans this time.” He faked a smile. “Force bless this meal.”

“I’m never eating soup again,” she said sourly, even as she accepted her bowl of brown gloop.

The gas stove’s fire hissed.

“Two days down,” said Kaytoo, looking at all the humans choking down their dinner, “and Force knows how many more to go.”

 

“Good morning.”

Bodhi opened his eyes to see Kaytoo staring directly at him. “The time is a minute past eight. I suggest you get dressed in the next five minutes if you wish to have breakfast.”

He groaned as he shook Cassian. “Babe, your droid’s being annoying again.”

“I find that response rude and dismissive,” said Kaytoo as he walked away.

By the time they were both dressed, Jyn already had their breakfast simmering on the stove. “Morning.”

Bodhi inhaled. “Are we having oatmeal again?” he asked, noting that the air smelled sweeter this morning.

“Oh, yes,” she said, ladling him a bowl. “But I added a few things to it. Hope you like it.”

Hesitantly, he took the bowl from Jyn. It looked like the bland porridge from the day before, with slightly squashed red berries. “I'm nervous.”

“They're not poison, I promise,” she said, already working on everyone else's bowls.

Somehow not convinced, he took a bite. Immediately, his eyes flew open. “Holy shit.”

“Brackenberries,” she said, settling down next to him. “There's a whole bush of them right next to us.”

“Bless your heart,” he said, taking another bite. The brackenberries added an almost overwhelming tartness, with just enough sweet to make it palatable, even delicious. “Guys, Jyn made the oatmeal edible!”

The rest of the day was fairly relaxing. Bodhi had a memorable sparring session with Chirrut (and by “memorable” he meant “almost managed to win over the blind man over twice his age … almost”), Cassian discovered tortillas in their pack and made everyone quesadillas for lunch (“I was kind of hoping for ration bars, actually”), and Bodhi discovered that Baze was into sappy romantic holonovels.

“ _Force of Desire?_ ” Baze grunted as he kept reading. “What in the world is that about?”

“A Jedi and a thief,” he answered plainly. Bodhi knew from the title it was _definitely_ not just about a Jedi and a thief.

“Lemme see,” he said, grabbing the datapad from Baze’s hands.

_“But how can we guarantee it?” asked Ravi, fear heavy in his voice like honey._

_“Listen now, my darling,” crooned Dokril, smoothing the hair from his lover’s forehead, “I will always come back for you.”_

_Ravi stiffened. “But the council—”_

_“The council can say whatever it wants,” retorted the Togruta. “But they can never stop me from loving you with all my heart.” He leaned in, pale eyes ghosting over his lover’s delicate face. “I promise that.”_

_A delicious shudder heated Ravi’s body. Cupping Dokril’s slender face, he fiercely pressed his lips to the other man, kissing him deep and passionately._

_“My knight,” he softly whispered as they parted, tracing patterns upon his face._

_Dokril smiled gently, taking his lover back into his arms. “My Ravi…”_

Bodhi looked up at Baze.

Had it been literally anyone else, Bodhi would have immediately scowled and called it bantha fodder of the lowest variety; instead, he just shook his head as he handed Baze back the datapad. “…never knew you were into that kind of stuff.”

With leftover cheese from lunch, they managed to make the soup (mushroom this time) fairly edible. After the dishes were cleaned (with Baze complaining the entire time about the cheese), they decided to settle in for another round of Sabacc before bed.

With a few differences.

“New rule,” said Bodhi, with a glare in Chirrut’s direction. “If you have an Idiot’s Array, _don’t_ wait until someone declares Sabacc to play it.”

“Well, that just ruins the fun,” he said, though he was smiling. “Shall we play?”

“Yes, we shall,” said Bodhi, shuffling the deck. “And just so we’re clear, you’re on dish duty if I win.”

“Challenge accepted.”

 

Cassian wasn’t in bed when Bodhi woke up.

Groggily sitting up and getting dressed, he figured his boyfriend was probably out in the woods relieving himself (as was the case when your campsite didn’t even have a fresher). Heading out, he decided he might as well get a head start on this morning’s oatmeal.

Which was why he was so surprised when he walked out of the tent to the smell of food.

“Good morning,” said Cassian cheerfully as he continued to cook. Leaning over, Bodhi could make out what seemed to be…

“Are those—”

“Chilaquiles?” Cassian nodded. “We had leftover cheese and tortillas, and I sort of decided before we left that if I didn’t make them at least once on this trip, I’d go mad.”

Bodhi’s heart fluttered. The last time Cassian had made his specialty dish, it was after the Battle of Yavin and they were all celebrating from the medbay.

“Is that alright?” he asked softly.

Bodhi snorted. Taking a step forward, he grabbed Cassian’s face and kissed him soundly.

“I take that as a yes?” he said as soon as they parted, grinning.

“Cassian Andor,” said Bodhi, “you are a blessing unto this galaxy.”

Soon, everyone else had left the tent, and oh, they were all openly delighted to find out that not only was breakfast _not_ oatmeal, it was chilaquiles.

Well, most of them were openly delighted.

“You eat what you get,” said Chirrut as he serenely accepted his plate, although he was smiling widely.

The temperature had risen to a freakish high by the time Chirrut had finished the dishes (Bodhi had won the previous night), so he suggested they all go down to the lake for a swim. Everyone except for Kaytoo agreed it was a fantastic idea. Soon, everyone had their clothes piled up on the shoreline (with Kay reluctantly keeping watch) as they relaxed in the cool water.

 

After lunch (consisting of somewhat edible sandwiches), Jyn declared that she was going on a walk. After a few hours, she was still nowhere to be found.

Cassian frowned. “I hope she hasn’t gotten herself into trouble.”

“Two days ago, you were calling her annoying,” said Bodhi, although he was just as concerned.

Cassian stiffened. “Do you think the Empire—”

“Probably not,” he said, wrapping an arm around Cassian. “Most of their spies are probably closer to Maz’s castle than they are to us—”

Suddenly, a rustling of leaves revealed Jyn stepping out into the clearing.

“Jyn!” Bodhi ran towards her. “Force, you had us terrified—wait a second.”

She nodded as he noticed the cooler she was lugging around. “I got booze.”

He was stunned.

Cassian frowned. “You _what?_ ”

“I know where the liquor is,” she said, shrugging. “It’s no Maz, but it’ll do.” She grinned. “Can’t wait for tonight’s Sabacc.”

Bodhi raised a hand. “I don’t drink.”

“I know,” she said, setting the cooler down. “I got you temarra juice.”

“You _angel_.”

“Never thought I’d hear that about Jyn,” said Cassian. Jyn punched him. “Hey!”

Despite being stuck with dishes, Chirrut decided to make dinner as well. And lo and behold, it _wasn’t_ soup.

“I thought you said we should just eat what we got,” said Bodhi over his second plate of chicken and rice. Chirrut just laughed.

True to Jyn’s expectations, Sabacc that night was … interesting. With everyone but Bodhi and Kaytoo drunk off their asses, the game went on for longer than expected, and with some amusing rules.

“New rule,” said Cassian, taking another sip of ale. “If you have a six, you-you can’t throw it away, it’s illegal.”

“Unless it’s a coin!” shouted Jyn, thumping down a card. Silently, Bodhi thanked Jyn—he had an extremely inconvenient Six of Coins that he wanted to get rid of.

“An’you can’t Sabacc with a card bigger than eleven, you can’t.”

“Unless it’s a stave,” said Bodhi, determined to get in on the fun even while sober.

“Anyone with the Evil One has to throw away the card with the highest value,” shouted Baze (he was a lot louder drunk than while sober).

“If you, if you want an Idiot’s array,” said Jyn, drawing a card, “you have to only use sabers or flasks. Nothing else!” She looked at her deck. “ _Shit._ ”

Bodhi grinned as Jyn thumped down a card with a scowl, probably since she drew the Evil One. “And it has to be two sabers or two flasks, not one of both,” he said, taking a sip of temarra.

“I am one,” slurred Chirrut, “I am one with Sabacc and Sabacc is with me.”

“You’re stupid,” said Jyn.

Bodhi laughed. “You’re all doing dishes tomorrow.”

 

Bodhi woke up to the sound of a commlink beeping.

Untangling himself from Cassian (who was extremely cuddly while drunk), he picked it up. “Rogue One, reporting for duty,” he yawned.

“Rogue One, this is the _Bravo,_ ” said a voice on the other end. “We will be arriving at Takodana within two hours.”

Bodhi groaned. “Roger, we’ll be ready.” He signed off.

Cassian shifted. “What was that?”

“We’re leaving,” said Bodhi. “Like, soon.”

Cassian sighed. “I thought we had longer.”

“I know, I know,” said Bodhi, kissing him on the cheek. “Come on, breakfast isn’t going to make itself.”

Even with breakfast quesadillas, the mood was surprisingly glum as everyone got ready packing their belongings and taking the tent down (this time, Bodhi wasn’t alone). Even though no one said it aloud, Bodhi was sure they were all thinking the same thing; they didn’t want this vacation to end. The one they had all protested in the first place.

“Well, come on,” said Bodhi as soon as the clearing was returned to its original state, slinging his pack over his shoulder. “Transport’s waiting for us.”

“Back to ration bars and soup,” grumbled Jyn.

“Hate to say it, but I kind of had fun,” said Cassian, walking alongside Bodhi. “I’m gonna miss this place.”

Bodhi smiled as they began their long walk back. “Me too, mate.”

**Author's Note:**

> This took me longer than I'm proud to admit to finish, lmao.  
> Anyways, hmu on [@lesbiangffa](http://lesbiangffa.tumblr.com) on tumblr, and here's to the bravest damn character in Rogue One.


End file.
